Now & Breathe // Announcing Word(s) of the Year 2020 and Winter Intentions
January was so basic this year.
Like the kind of cliche we are taught to avoid in our writing.
I usually love January. I love its contrast to the bright and festive months on either side. I love its quiet presence, an invitation to just be. While some say it’s a month that contains 5 months within it, I welcome its tendency to linger.
But this year, the lingering felt less like a conversation-with-friends-after-a-good-meal linger and more like a pimple-on-my-face-that-I-can’t-stop-touching-and-the-more-I touch-the-more-it-stays linger.
This month depression came out from the dark corners of my thoughts. Anxiety threatened my sleep. Crying and anger lashing and self loathing distracted me from the good lists.
And it made me so mad to feel this way. I scrolled through my "What Feels Right" list to search where I needed to be more whole. Regular exercise, early bed times, attention to writing, intentional eating, frequent watering, even prayer and meditation, which sadly always comes last, made an appearance this month. It appeared I was doing everything right. Then why do I feel so wrong?
Saturday morning I got up with the "sun," a phrase in which implies we rise as the sun rises in the sky. Only I couldn’t remember what the word "sun" meant anymore. We hadn’t seen it for weeks. Data tells us this is the least sunniest January in 50 years. But it was winter, and winter isn’t known for its sun. We resound to the dark and gray and wish the summer to come quickly.
Preparing for a long run, I laced up my shoes, threw my hair in a pony tail and tucked my head phones into my ears. This has been a regular habit this month, Mike and I taking turns with solo runs in the morning. Typically they are done in the wee hours of the day in order to fit in before responsibility calls. But this was Saturday so the schedule was more fluid. I decided the light up vest I normally don was not necessary.
It only took me half a block before I noticed something was different about this run. And then it took me another half a block before I realized what it was.
My eyes were squinting. Not because my view was out of focus or because the wind was hurting my eye balls or because I smelled something funny.
I was squinting at the sun.
In this simple invitation, a sun salutation if you will, I welcomed the rays into my body. Despite the icy sidewalks and snowy surroundings signaling cold, I felt warm. I took a deep breath as if to drink the sunshine and suddenly thought of a quote from one of my favorite movies.
“George Bailey: What do you want, Mary? Do you want the moon? If you want it, I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for you. Hey! That’s a pretty good idea! I’ll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I’ll take it! Then what?
George: Well, then you can swallow it, and it’ll all dissolve see, and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair… am I talking too much?”
As I drank the sunshine I felt like the rays were doing just what George Bailey said they would do. The warmth in my fingers and toes then began to spread where I needed it the most, to my heart.
Was this all I needed? I thought. Was it the sun I longed for? Is it that simple?
It’s not just that simple. Mental Health is never fixed by one thing. It is a hundred million little things, and sometimes we have to take a look at them all, or at least as many as we can, before we can begin to feel more whole.
But it is also a reminder that it’s not always that difficult either. And it isn't always in our control.
I wasn’t the only one who felt invigorated by the sun that morning. Another reminder that we aren’t alone in the struggles of depression and anxiety and general blahness.
I ran longer that morning than I have all month. Halfway through my run my headphones died which for a brief second sent me into panic. How was I to go on without the company of Lizzo in my ears??!! But the sun was still there and told me to keep going, she would keep me company instead.
And that is when I wrote this essay.
Very meta, I know.
So this brings me to what I wanted to tell you about today—My Word(s) of the Year.
I recognized last year while focusing on BEGIN, it was hard to keep my wind from wandering to the END. I focused a lot of my attention on the first starts, on the creative drive to try something new, as well as the possibility of what might happen when I did BEGIN.
But I discovered the space where I wanted to direct my attention was on the present—the NOW.
NOW. noun.
1. at the present time or moment.
2. different from other times.
3. existing.
In my history of choosing words I have some passive words that lean towards intentions and more active words that lean towards forward progress. This year, I wanted both.
Some questions I want to ask myself this year based on NOW:
What can I do NOW?
Who am I NOW?
Now what?
Where am I NOW?
With this word I will focus not only on exploring my next steps in various areas, I also want to be intentional about sitting with where I am NOW, not the before, not the after, just the right NOW present me.
But that brings me to my next word.
BREATHE. verb.
1. to inhale and exhale air.
2. to have life.
While I want to push myself to explore new things this year, sometimes all I can do in that moment of NOW is to BREATHE. Sometimes I will be angry. Sometimes I will be lost. Sometimes the sun won’t shine.
It is in those moments that I want a reminder to inhale and exhale air. I want to center myself. I want to remind my body to move into the feelings and feel what it is like to BREATHE. And thus recognize that I have life and that is what matters.
Choosing two words is not conventional. I like breaking the rules sometimes. Because choosing one word is basic. And we all learned from January what that does to our sprits.
Welcome back sun. I’m glad you stopped by. You are welcome any time.