Some Days I Don’t Want to Mother

I didn’t want to mother today. 

I didn’t want to be turned away at the preschool door because of another Covid cancelation, when I could have had four delicious hours of quiet all to myself. 

I didn’t want to drown my sorrows at the neighborhood coffee shop with an overpriced latte for me and crumbling muffin for him, when I could have been sipping from my favorite mug on my cozy couch with the just right banana bread I made, alone. 

I didn’t want to walk to the beach, knowing the beach means dirty feet and sticky wet clothing and expert level toddler negotiations upon the time of returning home, when I could have spent the morning making a mess of a rough draft and negotiating with proper word choice. 

I didn’t want to listen to the constant refrain of a three year old’s voice bombarding me with his stories, when I could have been writing my own. 

I didn’t want to battle the nagging guilt of a mother with dreams, when I could–should–be feeling grateful.

I just didn’t want to mother today.

I also didn’t want to be sitting on the shore under a blue bird sky dazzled by the sunshine dancing on the ripples he made with every rock tossed and skipped,

but here I am.

I didn’t want to feel the cool breeze bringing in reminders of apple blossoms and lilacs and violets like a song, calling me to notice,

but here I am.

I didn’t want to be surprised at the way he can write his own name in the sand.

I didn’t want to marvel at the way his hair curls around his cheeks.

I didn’t want to catch the contagious giggle that erupts when toes first feel the icy waters of a spring lake. 

I didn’t want to melt all the way into the sand when he took my hand and told me he missed his friends but he liked being with me best,

but here I am.

I didn’t want any of these things today because I thought it would mean I must trade one for the other—

mother instead of create, mother instead of peace, mother instead of dream,

but here I am.

Some days I don’t want to mother. Some days I just want to write.

And some days, most days, the best days, I get to do both,

right here where I am.

Image created by @phoenixfeatherscalligraphy for C+C, 2022

This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series "Still Motherhood.”
PS. For more words on motherhood and other things I do and like, and don’t like sometimes, be sure to sign up for my Raise & Shine Letter! There’s always a good story or two, probably something about Taylor Swift, and lots of artfully curated GIFs.